I’m Not Going to Be Nice to My Husband When He’s Not Around

Tim Allen shares a tweet asking: ‘Who is the face of woke’? I’m not sure that’s what woke means these days. But, what if it means, like, someone who is trying to be the…

I’m Not Going to Be Nice to My Husband When He’s Not Around

Tim Allen shares a tweet asking: ‘Who is the face of woke’? I’m not sure that’s what woke means these days. But, what if it means, like, someone who is trying to be the face of woke, but their face looks like, like, a fucking cartoon character as opposed to actual woke, like, actual woke.

I have a friend.

He’s cool.

He is a dude.

He has a lot of friends.

I can’t be friends with him.

I can’t be nice to him.

I can’t even be nice to him when he’s not around.

I’ll leave him a message on Facebook while he’s still at work, like, once a week. But, then I never will.

Why? He’s always working.

The thought of us hanging out fills me with such fear. I know he has a life that I wouldn’t want to lead. I know what it’s like when he’s going to be gone and I’m doing nothing to help him feel good about himself. Every day I sit and look at his face, the way he smiles. His eyes, always moving. The way they’re always looking forward. And I’m like: “Just go to the store. Go to the store. Go to the store. Go to the store.”

I never know what I might do if he ever gets really sick or something.

If he has bad days.

If he ever wakes up with random bruises.

He never has random bruises.

He’s like, “I don’t know.”

Or maybe he has random bruises, and I know he’s lying.

But, anyway.

“But, anyway.”

“Yeah, ‘but anyway.’”

“OK. OK. OK. OK.”

The most important thing is that he has a life.

And I wish I

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